Book Excerpt Vicky and Lizzie’s First Period

Book Excerpt

The children filed out of the theatre.

Jody was swarmed by inquisitive students in the corridor. They hushed their questions at her, eager to get the gory details on the Layla Quick case.

Vicky and Lizzie walked arm in arm, envious of the attention their ginger friend was getting.

‘Look at that tiny bottle of vinegar,’ Vicky whispered as Mr Parker ran ahead of the line, ‘They’re all over her.’

Lizzie shook her head and pretended to spit at her. ‘Bitch.’

‘Hey Vicky,’ Henry said, walking up alongside them. ‘You think she’s telling the truth?’

‘Who, Jody?’

‘Yeah, man.’

‘She’s a prissy little tattle-tale, mate,’ Vicky smirked, ‘Half the stuff that comes out of her bitch mouth is chicken bollocks.’

‘Yeah, and most of what goes in, so I’ve heard,’ Lizzie said.

Henry scrunched his face in confusion. ‘I don’t get it. Nobody saw it happen.’

‘Yeah, man.’ Vicky descended the IT corridor stairwell. ‘Who do you think they’re gonna believe, anyway?’

Henry took a deep breath. ‘You know, I think Jonnie and Sam are planning something.’

‘What, that gay boy and his four-eyed boyfriend?’ Lizzie giggled. ‘The only thing they’re planning is how to set up their Gruntr profiles.’

‘Nah, straight up.’

They reached the ground floor corridor.

‘They’re, like, bunking off and spying on Pondie.’ Henry said.

‘Pondie? The woodwork teacher?’ Lizzie didn’t believe a word of what Henry had to say. ‘Are you on crack, or something?’

‘Swear down,’ Henry said, ‘Something ain’t right.’

‘Oi! Williams!’ Jonnie called out from behind the trio. ‘You chatting up White Jizzie again, fag?’

Henry turned around as the girls giggled at Jonnie’s remark. ‘Leave me alone.’

‘Yeah?’ Jonnie cackled, evilly. ‘You wanna fuck me more than her, dont’cha, mate?’

Henry stopped in his tracks. ‘You’re a prick, mate.’

Jonnie barged past Henry, knocking him into the wall.



Vicky turned away from the commotion and whispered to Lizzie. ‘You know what we should do, right?’


‘We should totally start a rumour. We can sue the school.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Look what’s happening with Layla and Mr Galigan, man,’ Vicky giggled, giddy at the prospect of some easy cash and sympathy. ‘What do you think?’

‘Could do, I suppose.’

Lizzie wasn’t fully on board with the idea. She couldn’t connect the dots in the same way her friend was doing.

Vicky opened her mouth before Lizzie had a chance to shoot down the idea. ‘If we do it together, we can be each other’s witnesses.’

‘But they’ll believe the teacher, not us.’

‘That’s why we need more than one of us there, you know.’

Lizzie shot her friend a look. ‘You’re not serious, are you?’

‘Sure, why not?’

‘Are you actually?’

‘It’ll be a laugh, right? Just need the right teacher to do it with.’

Lizzie looked at her shoes. ‘You’re mental in the head.’

‘No, no!’ Vicky grabbed Lizzie’s arm and pulled her closer as they walked. She whispered in her ear. ‘We’ll start a rumour and see what happens.’

‘Yeah, but who we gonna do it with?’

‘We could do it with a girl teacher?’

‘No, that won’t work,’ Lizzie thought aloud, ‘girl teachers don’t do nasty stuff like that.’


Mr Bloom, the handsome technology teacher, made his way past. He squeezed through the line of children heading to their first class of the day. ‘Excuse me, guys. Thanks.’

‘Hi, sir,’ Vicky said with a smile.

‘Hey, Vicky,’ Mr Bloom slowed down and walked with her. ‘Did you do that homework I asked for?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Good. You too, Lizzie?’

‘Yes, sir. Of course I done it.’

‘Good, I’m expecting it period three tomorrow.’ Mr Bloom pushed past a couple of boys and sprinted up the corridor.

The boy he accidentally knocked was Jonnie. ‘Sorry, excuse me, please!’

‘Fuck your Dad, sir!’ Jonnie shouted after Mr Bloom. He ignored the boy. It was quicker and less work to pretend he hadn’t heard the utterance.

Vicky and Lizzie chuckled to each other, knowing they’d lied to Mr Bloom. They turned out of the corridor and entered the school playground.

The sports hall loomed at the far end, adjacent to the technology annexe.

‘You seen the way Jonnie talks to the teachers?’ Vicky asked Lizzie. ‘He’s such a prick. I dunno why you like him.’

‘I told you, he’s fit.’

Vicky slung her arm around Lizzie’s shoulders. She pulled her close as they crossed the playground. ‘It’s not just about looks, though, is it?’

‘No, but—’

‘—You just wanna shag him, don’t you?’

‘—Eww, no! That’s gross!’

‘Hey, don’t act all innocent, princess! I’m your best friend, you know! I know you better than anyone!’

Lizzie pushed Vicky’s arm away and shuffled her rucksack back over her shoulders. ‘Shut up. At least I don’t fancy his mate with the glasses.’

‘I do not fancy Sam Bright!’

‘You do too.’

‘I don’t!’ Vicky stopped in her tracks. She flicked her long, blonde hair over her shoulder and blew Lizzie an exaggerated kiss. ‘I’m far too gorgeous for speccy Sam Bright. Mwah!’

‘We both are. Mwah!’

Vicky and Lizzie hooked their pinkies together – the Hopper and White version of a classic high-five. The pair finished with their silly little motto.

‘Sisters! Forever.’

Vicky & Lizzie’s First Period

Bloody Hell!

All together now…
There were two girls called Vicky & Lizzie
Who kept the Academy busy
Causing trouble and mirth
For all they were worth
Sending teachers right into a tizzy
They kicked-off a false, nasty rumour
That one of the staff was a groomer
For everyone knows
Gossip spreads out and grows
But the school didn’t quite see the humour
Would Vicky & Lizzie regret
All the damage they caused? Nah, not yet
Scheming, conniving
The girls kept on vying
A dangerous precedent was set
Vicky & Lizzie delivered a blitz
On a school at the end of its wits
Did they care? Did they f**k
They were common as muck
Those nasty, vindictive young s#!ts
This might cause upset and uproar
It’s a musical satire, what’s more
For the first time ever
We promise you’ve never
Read anything like this before
So pick up your copy today
Of a story about which you will say
That I wanted to barf
But so hard I did laugh
Vicky & Lizzie have just made my day!

Purchase on Amazon


About Andrew Mackay​​

Some authors are afraid to cross the line.

Me? Oh, I’m glad you asked! I make “the line” my starting point…

My brand is satire.

I hop between genres like madman on crack because my razor-sharp literary knife is hungry for political and social commentary. One genre just can’t cut it (if you’ll forgive the pun.) I’m obsessed, I tell you!

I write straight-up humor and farce, horror, crime, romance… all under the banner of satire.

My novels often contain a ruthless commentary on society, delving into the darker machinations of modern life. They can be uproarious, funny, outrageous and shocking. Make no mistake, though. They are this way for a reason, and always come equipped with a sense of humanity and wit.

My influences include John Cleese, Tom Sharpe, Kurt Vonnegut, James Patterson, Hunter S Thompson, Douglas Adams, Imogen Edwards-Jones, Michael Frayn, Chris Morris, Jerry Sadowitz, Christopher Hitchins, Bill Maher, George Carlin, Jordan Peterson, Pat Condell, and writer/director Larry Cohen.

My obsessions include (and are essentially limited to) obscene amounts of: smoking, drugs, alcohol, caffeine, sex, debating, daydreaming and writing about himself in the third person.

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